My After Wedding Cliff
Most of the time people call it falling off the wagon. This isn't dramatic enough for me so instead of just falling off a wagon I wait until the wagon is approaching a large drop-off and I stand up and jump off the cliff.
You see, this isn't my first go-round with weight loss. Like most fat people I have been struggling with it for most of my life and I have gone through various cycles of wanting to lose weight and giving up shortly after. This is the story of me at my most determined and me at my most complacent.
Before I was engaged, before I was even dating my wife, I hit rock bottom when it comes to my weight. From sophomore year of college on I fluctuated between 260 and 280 pounds but I stayed in that range for over a decade. Then I went through the most traumatic experience of my young life and I turned to food more than usual. The result of this was that one day I decided to step on the scale and I couldn't believe the numbers staring back at me.
My head was a mess, my mind fuzzy. I wasn't prepared to see the results of multiple months of bad behavior brought on recklessness, depression and apathy. This was ugly.
I left the situation I was in and immediately went to some fast food joint to clear my head and figure out why my life was so off track and how to get it back under control. Yes, you read that right. I stepped on a scale and saw myself at the heaviest I have ever been and was angry and depressed at how I could let myself get to this point and in order to deal with it I went and stuffed more garbage in my mouth. This was no way to live.
The next few days those numbers continued to scream at me. I've been heavy for a long time but I've always told myself that as long as I didn't top 300 there was really nothing to worry about. 300 was a number out there, unobtainable, I didn't have to think about it because my normal routines kept me in a range.
Normal routines were shattered. I needed to make a stand against my self sabotaging ways, I needed to change.
I went extreme.
I don't now how many days later it was but I decided that I was going to work at it and lose weight. I started going to the gym 3-5 times a week using the elliptical. I stopped eating junk food. I stopped eating out. Most of my meals consisted of a big salad and sometimes I'd eat some beef or chicken for dinner but mainly I lived on salads.
The pounds were melting off. I was feeling better. I was looking better. I was more confident and I was happy and people were taking notice.
During this process I became engaged and I kept working at my weight. I dropped below 260 then 250 and now I was in unfamiliar territory. I couldn't remember the last time I was under 250, but I kept at my routines and the weight kept coming off. Now that I was engaged my mind was determined to get to 220 or below for the wedding. I was focused more than I had ever been before.
As the months went on and the wedding plans were in full swing I continued to work hard all the time and the pounds continued to come off until I reached a low of 203. 2 more pounds and I would have lost one third of my weight. But this is where the stress of the wedding set in because we were so close.
By the time I celebrated my wedding I was sitting around 220 and still 100% perfectly happy. I was in love, I was full of energy and feeling great. The honeymoon was a planned pause on the diet because I wanted to enjoy everything that Kauai had to offer.
When we got back from the honeymoon I went right back on my diet in order to get back into my losing ways. A short while later we found out we were pregnant and a little bit after that the wife started with cravings.
Cravings: A time in ones pregnancy where the wife says "I am hungry for xxx" and the husband is expected to drop everything he is doing and make that food exist within minutes.
I survived about a month, possibly a month and a half, of my wife's cravings before I decided that I wasn't going to continue to sit at home eating salads constantly but having to run around town to gather what my wife wanted to eat. I started eating with her. I stopped thinking about being healthy and I started right back in my old habits and patterns.
One and a half years of eating well, exercising and losing weight all came to a halt because my will power gave up.
I noticed the weight coming back on but kept making excuses.
230: Not a big deal, I can lose 10 pounds in a month.
240: Ugh, not good but I've been much heavier and I can still course correct.
250: Man, what am I doing to myself
255: Take the batteries out of the scale, screw this. I give up. Where are my tacos.
Here I sit over 5 years after my wedding when I came in at a very happy 220 pounds and taking the best pictures of my life. Amazing wedding photos. Amazing honeymoon photos. Amazing that I gave it all up and went back to what made me fat.
I'm happy I reached the breaking point again and have made changes. I am happy that I am working on losing weight and getting healthier. I am NOT happy that I gave it all up because I didn't have the willpower to keep going.
This time will be different.
I miss how I looked.
I miss how I felt.
I am making changes that I can sustain long term and I am not being hard on myself if I screw up during a day or two.
Thank you all for coming along on this journey with me.
Thank you for helping me get back to where I was.