My Motivation - A Personal Message

Here's the thing.  I'm a middle aged white guy who, for most of my life, hasn't cared much about how I look or how much I weigh. Over the past five years this has all changed, for multiple reasons. While I am trying to be completely open and honest in this blog, this will probably be the most emotional post that I make.

I love my wife.
I love my children.
I do not want to miss out on them.

I've battled my weight on and off since I was near the age of ten.  When I hit my growth spurt in high school and spent countless days walking the streets of my small groundhog loving town I was probably at my most fit and slim.  However, I went to college and had free reign to do whatever I wanted and ended up transitioning into what would become my adult body.

This adult body was basically the big fat ass that I currently am.  Since the early 2000's I have fluctuated between 260 and 303 with a random dip down to 203 before my wedding.  You are reading this which basically means that the dip to 203 was indeed temporary.

Life happens.  There are things in life that force you to reevaluate.  The past few years I have had multiple life events that have caused me to take a hard look at my life style and make changes.

Life event #1:  I got married.

This was my first step towards becoming the person I currently am.  My wife has changed my life, positively, more ways that I can count.  Before my wedding I was exercising and eating salads daily in order to look good for the wedding.  This was an amazing time but the problem was that all of my changes were not sustainable because those changes were not me.  They were not long term.

Would I love to get on the elliptical multiple times a week?  Hell yeah I would, but the truth is that I'm lazy and driving to the gym is not convenient and my free time has died.  I'm currently saving up to buy one for the house which would definitely improve my ability and motivation.

Would I love to eat salads every day for the rest of my life?  Hell no.  This was the biggest problem I had.  I go through phases where I love salads and then, times, where I decide they are the devil.  I seriously ate salads almost exclusively for over a year.  Not sustainable.  Going back to normal food, without moderation, caused me to gain weight again.

Life event #2: My children.

I love my children more than anything in the world. I'm a 42 year old lazy fat dude who has a Teen, a toddler and a baby.  The two youngest are 4 and 1.  I've been enjoying playing with my kids and watching them grow up but I am now finding that as they get older I now have to have more energy to keep up with them.

My boy loves to go hiking, bike riding, swimming and pretty much running amok all over the whole world.  In my overweight, asthmatic, state I have a hard time keeping up with him at times.  A healthier me would have an easier time so that as the children continue to grow I'll be able to continue to play with them.

You see, I don't want to just watch my children grow up and grow old, I want to actively participate in their lives.  I don't want to be a spectator.  I cannot afford to just idly watch as life happens to my children, I desire to actively participate in their lives.

I want to play ball with my boy. I want to go on grand adventures with him. I want him to look back and see that no matter what he decided to do his dad was there with him, no that his dad was at home to talk about it when he returned from his adventures.

For my daughter, I need to be there to walk her down the aisle when she gets married.  I need to be able to chase her boyfriends down the road with a gun, screaming at them to keep their hands off my princess.  I need to be physically intimidating with my katana sword when they pick her up for the first date.  Not the fat guy on the chair saying hi.

Life event #3: Mortality.

Listen, this still hurts.  It's still hard.  My eyes are leaking a little just knowing that I'm going to sit down and tackle this topic even if just for a minute.

Until I had children the whole idea of mortality didn't bother me.  Life happens; deal with it.  I had nothing in my life that caused me to care, honestly.  That has all changed.

Last year was a hard one for me.  Growing up I had two families.  I had my family, my parents, and we were close.  Then I had my buddies family, my extended family.  I consider them to be my family.  They are not just friends, they are loved ones.  My buddy, he is my brother without question.

Last year his dad died suddenly of a heart attack and this death affected me greatly.  Here is a post I made to honor him. His wife asked me to read that at his funeral, I am still close with her to this day and will be visiting her when next I hit up PA.

Late last year my dad had to go in for triple bypass surgery and I spent many nights sitting in a dark room alone crying and wondering how I was going to go on with life without him.

I'm a 42 year old man dealing with mortality and not knowing how to handle it and all of that has me thinking about my children, my family, my legacy.

If I handle it this way at 42 years old how the hell would I have handled it at 15? at 20?  I have no idea but I feel like I would have been devastated.

I don't want my children to have to deal with that possibility.  My children are 14, 4 and 1 and they need me.  They cannot go through life without me.  I do not want them to have to grow up figuring out life without me by their side to guide them along and piss them off by interfering.  I need to be there.

They are my life, my existence.
They are my motivation.
I do not want them wondering how their dad was as a man.
If they are going to lose me I want it to be when they are 40 years old and trying to figure out how to cope, not at 8 and having to f'n clue how to cope.
I cannot allow my wife to take that burden on by herself.

Thank you all for coming along on this journey with me.



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