January 2020 an exercise in failure

It's slightly after 10 pm on January 31st and I sit here reflecting the past month and everything that I wanted to accomplish but didn't.

We all make our own choices and all of mine revolved around how I handle stress and stick to my goals during such a time and the truth is that this past month I failed in more ways that one.  It was my own self control and my lack of discipline that has put me into this spot and I fully realize it.  It is my blame to shoulder and I don't have issue with it.

What I have issue with is that I really had no discipline this past month.  Even tonight I caved in, even though I tried really hard to just fight it.  Tonight was better than what I wanted it to be though.  I really wanted to leave work and hit up Jack-in-the-Box and get some of those delicious mini tacos and come home and slam them down with a few beers.  That is not what happened and it took a big fight with myself but I drove home and felt better about life.

I did, however, grab a beer out of the fridge and instead of eating something horribly unhealthy I made myself some tuna with some pickles and let that try to satisfy my hunger instead.  It worked but it wasn't what I was craving.

Craving.

This past month I had a lot of cravings and I gave in more than I'd like to admit.  I had ice cream on multiple occasions.  I devoured a few bags of chips.  I had more fast food than I'd care to admit.  It was awful, it was a loss.  I know when I wake up tomorrow I'll be somewhere in the vicinity of where I started the month which is a moral win for me but I really wanted to be down 5 pounds and celebrating instead.

I can live with the first month being a failure.  I can live with not reaching my goals.  The fact that I'm sitting here and it is eating at me like it is lets me know that I won't be happy until I become the change I want to see.  I have one more really stressful week of work left and then it should be mostly easy going until April when I will probably have to work 3 weeks worth of overnights which will test my mettle again.

I need to take more time to come to this little corner of the internet and talk to you, my dear readers.  You guys give me the support and encouragement that I need when I'm not feeling myself.  Sitting down and writing out my thoughts doesn't take long in the grand scheme of things and when I do that it helps to keep me on track.

In conclusion, I know what needs to be done and I know how to get where I want.  Sunday I know I'm going to eat too much and drink too much but I also know that I have the ability to recover and work it all off like it never happened.

February my goal is to come back here more often.  To get my thoughts out more often.  To talk about how I am feeling and why I think I am or am not reaching my goals. The 30 pounds I lost last year was not an accident.  I will not be able to lose the 40 this year that I want to by accident.  I have to live my life with purpose, focus and dedication.

Thank you all for coming along with me on this journey.

 -Fat Man in Vegas

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